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GETTING OLD IS A BITCH: I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.I thought growing old would take longer.I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed....I need bail money.I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?Life is too short to waste time matching socks.Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.Project Manager...because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.Measure once, cuss twice..My dream job would be driving the karma bus.THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds. ... See MoreSee Less
funny novel names:"Falling of a Cliff" by Eileen Dover"Yellow Snow" by I.P. Freely"Brown Spots on the Wall" by Who Flung Poo ... See MoreSee Less
3 months ago
MORE SILLY PUNS!1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. 3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. 4. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness. 5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. 7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare. 8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but the best players are really hard to find. 11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. 12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re. 13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” 14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self. ... See MoreSee Less